Constant War

I have a pistol. It’s made out of plastic. The chamber and barrel are ceramic as well as the bullets which are Teflon-coated. It uses cartridge-less ammunition, so there is no ejection mechanism. It’s simple. Accuracy and penetration diminish rapidly after 30 meters but that’s okay; I probably couldn’t hit anything past that. The pistol will trip no alarms.They used to use ex-Special-Forces, Marine-recon, SEALS etc for this work, but found that they performed poorly alone; have little sense of nuance. --Go too far, too fast; like repairing a small figurine with a hammer. Then they tried former fighter or chopper pilots. They were smarter, but didn't enjoy slow-moving stuff on the ground; and not actually smart enough. The organization really didn't know what they wanted. But I did. They needed people with personality disorders. Chameleon-people who fill up with a sense of others as if reflecting ground cover. They needed me.

How do I get through it? Through my ‘philosophy of re-dedication’ {or is it re-combination?}... Anyway, all life is a dream, an imagining from some mind in space. We replay the paradigm of compounds, organisms, cells, evolving, chimps biting and fighting, wars, inventions, electronics, information, we build a giant brain and it all starts over. Problem is, it’s a dream with no control. You have to try and recognize patterns to try and avoid the bad stuff. But every moment on ‘a run’ {what I call a mission gone critical} is like a moment never experienced before. Fill your senses with everything as things could turn bad: Game over; dream done; you’re dead --- or worse... It’s important to try to master your own primal; --when to love, when to pray, when to play. If you have no primal you lose your energy and fade. If you have too much primal you make bad mistakes.

The hardest thing for me to give up for this life was the sense of possessions. You don't need cameras because you won't keep pictures. You also jettison preconceptions. While I keep an impaired notion of good and evil, other evaluations from plain to beautiful or glorious to boring have faded. A ‘Hero’ only needs to know he’s alive.